How to Deal With Mean Girl Behavior

Mean Girl Behavior: Relational Aggression is behavior that is seen when kids manipulate others through friendship withdrawal, silent treatment, and gossip. A study conducted by the University of New York at Buffalo on girls between the ages of 3 – 12, found that there are some girls that understand relationally aggressive tactics as early as preschool.The study also found that girls associate this behavior with being a girl. At a young age girls learn to handle conflict with relational aggression, boys on the other hand- associate physical aggression with being male. By second grade, girls become more vocal and begin to form cliques. Some parents may find this behavior at such a young age a surprise because the behavior is generally associated with middle school years.

As a parent you may be asking yourself if this is normal. The answer to that question is yes- this is not anything new. Social conflict in school has been going on for a very long time, as well as conflict among friends and classmates are a normal part of childhood. Also, girls are brought up to play nice, but in reality this is saying to avoid challenging any feelings of anger, resentment, and jealousy. According to Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler, behavior psychologist- this is a new social pressure that girls are faced with today. Girls today are maturing earlier and are exposed to media that portrays relational aggression, as well as pressure to achieve higher academic standards. Combined, each of these factors increase anxiety, self-consciousness and the need to be more competitive.

What can you do as a parent? Some behavior specialists suggest that the teaching of conflict management should begin at home.

• Begin with empathizing– listen to your daughter/s recap her day at school; listen without judgment and hold off on the advice.
• Validate her emotions– its important that girls know and understand that all emotions, whether positive or negative are normal and having these feelings does not make her bad.
• Perspective– help her gain this by using media outlets as a springboard to discuss what someone might be feeling or thinking.
• Identify assumptions– explain to her that it is completely normal to make assumptions about other people’s actions, but it is equally important to get clarity without being confrontational.
• Discuss possible reasons for behavior being exhibited by another girl– this conversation will help your daughter see if there may have been a misunderstanding.
• Brainstorm problem solving– girls need practice working through feelings and thinking. Let your daughter think the problem through, before you offer your help. Some suggestions to get her on the thinking path would be to say “I wonder what you can do?” or “Do you have any ideas?” If your daughter gets stuck, you may ask “Would you like me to help you think this through?”.

Don’t forget that our job as parents is not to resolve the problem for our children, but to give them the tools they need to be resilient and not be afraid of conflict. I get it, it is very tempting to shut down after a long day at work and not listen to your daughter’s “girl drama”. However, you must remember that listening to her and helping her through the challenges will give her the emotional skills she will carry with her for life.